Inside My Mind

Mon, 30 May 2005 15:16:18 GMT

The show is archived on the web now - so you can catch it if you didnt already.

http://www.wmnf.org/programming/daily.php?ShowId=325

The may 28th show -

I thought i did pretty good concidering it was my first time doing anything like that... :)

Sat, 28 May 2005 15:33:52 GMT

Alright all you bitches -

I should be on 88.5 tonight between 11 & 12 reciting some of my poetry.

If you don't have a tuner or are out of state you can catch it at http://www.wmnf.org/programming/listen.shtml

If anyone is bored, or wants to do me a favor I'd appreciate it if you would record it (mp3/wav preferably) I'm sure I can get it recorded at the studio - but to make sure.

peace.

Sat, 28 May 2005 04:26:07 GMT

I just wanted to point out that it's not that one person forgot my birthday - it's that everyone who's known me for years forgot it.

AND it's the fact that even if it wasn't even my birthday at all someone should still have invited me to go and see StarWars with them - how is it that I have a whole horde of geek friends and not one of them thought I'd like to see it.... BLAH...

StarWars was great BTW - I went to see it last night - ON MY OWN.

Mini Pitty Party

Thu, 26 May 2005 22:21:59 GMT

First of all, can everyone please make sure I know the date of their birthday - I know I'm not very good at remembering them, but I know now what it's like to have people who have known you for years forget it's your birthday.

Now... I don't think I would have been that bothered by it... but here's the thing...

I still haven't seen StarWars.

...wait.. let me repeat that - *I* haven't seen StarWars.

why haven't I seen StarWars? - Because everyone I know already went, and no one has asked me yet. It was my birthday on Tuesday, and I haven't seen StarWars.

It wasn't like I could even ask someone if they wanted to go with me, because they had already gone without me - and NO ONE thought it was even important to ask.

Whatever... fuck all you mother fuckers...

Luckily my friend (one I have only known a year or so) threw me a little get together - that was nice.

I talked to a chick from 88.5 last night and I will probably go and spit some shit on the mic at the station on Saturday night - I'll let you guys know - but you'll probably be off celebrating someone else's birthday - or watching StarWars.

like i said, fuck all you mother fuckers.

I'm going to see StarWars tonight - ON MY OWN.

Thu, 19 May 2005 13:03:56 GMT

I got on the mic at the lobby last night - tore down the fucking house (well at least from my end it looked like that was what I was doing.)

If you want to see me - I've been informed that I'm getting back up there on monday night - Studio@620 downtown St. Pete. 8:30ish, and then I'll probably be whoring myself out to every open mic all over the place for a while so that I can get used to being up there...

most intense experience in the world... I think, ladies and gentlemenz... I may have found my element...

I don't know if I'll ever be that good again, but... yeah... it was pretty sweet.

now if someone could give me some money for all this it would be much appreciated - thank you please drive through.

Thu, 05 May 2005 17:23:58 GMT

Kakarot530: oh I hate eminem
Kakarot530: one of the biggest fags
Jilt LoK: that sucks..
Kakarot530: definitely
Jilt LoK: we're going to have to agree to disagree on that one..
Jilt LoK: like i said.. i'm not going to deny myself..
Jilt LoK: and trick daddy i love.. spice 1..
Kakarot530: if thas what i wanna call it
Jilt LoK: twista..
Kakarot530: Ill just say, hes a fag
Kakarot530: I listen to him
Jilt LoK: nas
Jilt LoK: also
Jilt LoK: love nas
Kakarot530: and remember that one song on one of his CDs that said he no longer wanted to be considered a rapper, he wanted to be known as pop
Kakarot530: and I was like oh my god, eminem is such a homo
Jilt LoK: em is sarcastic
Jilt LoK: he's joking about that shit
Jilt LoK: you do get that right?
Kakarot530: so he just made a terrible CD for fun?
Jilt LoK: all he does is take shit out of people..
Jilt LoK: that's why i like him..
Kakarot530: I just dont like him because he makes shitty music
Jilt LoK: once again.. i'm not going to deny myself..
Jilt LoK: nope...
Jilt LoK: shrug..
Jilt LoK: i know good music when i see it..
Jilt LoK: sorry babe..
Jilt LoK: however.. this shit you introduced me to is good..
Jilt LoK: back to the original convo.
Jilt LoK: so i'm really impressed..
Kakarot530: sorry
Kakarot530: I disagree
Jilt LoK: i know you do..
Jilt LoK: but don't push it in my face..
Kakarot530: any talent u think u have at spotting good music is highly discredited by liking eminem
Kakarot530: gotta tell ya
Jilt LoK: i think you should respect the fact i have my own opinions and don't drop them b/c of the fact these rappers made it..
Jilt LoK: wow...
Jilt LoK: so i'm not getting into this with you..
Kakarot530: well we can agree to disagree if u want
Kakarot530: I gotta go though, do my community service*
Jilt LoK: yeah you should before you do start hitting nerves..
Kakarot530: dont take it personal
Kakarot530: eminem just sucks
Kakarot530: hahaha, see ya
Jilt LoK: i'll remember that
Jilt LoK: actually i feel a little disrespected... i respect your opinions and apparently you can't be nice enough to respect mine without knocking shit down to a high school level... like i said.. i'll remember that...
Jilt LoK: AND don't come back with some more bullshit because i don't really have the mental wherewithall to deal with it..
Jilt LoK: i have a lot on my mind right now..
Jilt LoK: so we either drop it and respectfully move on while agreeing to disagree or we don't...
(*they make us do community service @ school if we get in trouble and don't want to pay fines)

yes ladies and gents... he called Eminem a fag... Jay Z yes, Mase, you got that right, P-diddy - I agree. BUT EMIMEM?????? Come the fuck on...

This has got to be my favorite part
Kakarot530: any talent u think u have at spotting good music is highly discredited by liking eminem

No, your eyes do not deceive you, he said that to me.

feel free to tear a him a new one...

David's Penis

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 16:55:45 GMT

Link from netgoth: Michelangelo's David Does Not Have A Small Penis

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 15:24:57 GMT

whoever had the bright fucking idea to coin blank verse (iambic pentameter) should be fucking shot...

(nothing personal.. just aggression regarding 10 beats per line...)

I hate these things..

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 17:59:41 GMT

Fun. You Truly Desire Fun. Your always willing and
ready to play a game, whatever it may be. But
be careful, you cn tend to get a little too
competitive.

PLEASE RATE

What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 17:50:29 GMT

How You Gonna Act Like That - Tyrese

It seems like just the other day that we hooked up
(I was drivin', you was walkin' and I swooped you up)
From that moment on I knew you were the one, yeah
(I was single, you was lonely and we fell in love)

We would sit and talk for hours about anything
(Baby, you hung up, no, you hung up, on three hung up)
I bought your whip, I paid your rent, I gave you everything
(Said you'd always be my baby then you bounce)
How you gonna

How you gonna up and leave me now
How you gonna act like that
How you gonna change it up, we just finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that

How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, how could you forget
How you gonna act like that

Girl, I never thought that lovin' you would hurt
(I did everything a good man would to make it work)
Girl, you should have told me you had second thoughts
(Like before I put the down on the house we bought)

Now I'm thinkin' you and me was a mistake
(But then it hits me and I'm missin' all the love we made)
Girl, I know that we've been goin' through some things, yeah
(But the sun is somewhere shinin' even when it rains, oh)

I'll be the one you kick it to
I'll be the one that misses you
I'll be the one to ease your pain
I'll be the one you want again
And you'll be the one I can't forget
You'll be the one that's heaven sent
You'll be the one I can't deny
You'll be the one that makes me cry, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (Why you do)
How you gonna act like that (Why you gotta act like that)
How you gonna change it up (Whoa, ho, baby), we just
finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that (But I need you)

How you gonna act like we (Oh) don't be makin' love
(Whoa: baby, baby)
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, how could you forget
How you gonna act like that

You know I'm willin' to do anything
Just to keep you in my heart (Keep you in my heart)
I messed around and gave up everything
I thought we'd never part (Yes, I did, baby)
I was a player and I made the choice to give my heart to you
And I gotta keep it that way, ooh, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (Ooh, baby)
How you gonna act like that (Why you gotta treat me this way)
How you gonna change it up (Why you treat me wrong)
we just finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that (Can me somebody tell me why)

How you gonna act
(Why, why) like we don't be makin' love (Hey)
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff (oh, oh, baby),
that ghetto love
How you gonna trip (All my friends became your friends),
how can you forget
(All my ends became your ends)
How you gonna act like that

Keepin' it ghetto (All I want is you) (How u gonna act like that)
Keepin' it ghetto (All I needed is you) (How u gonna act like that)
Keepin' it ghetto (All I needed is you) (You know we be tearin' it, up breakin'
stuff, that ghetto love)
Keepin' it ghetto (All I need is you, all I need is you, babe)

How you gonna up and leave me now
How you gonna act like that
How you gonna change it up, we just finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that

How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, how could you forget
How you gonna act like that

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 19:01:48 GMT

We’re sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected. The St. Petersburg police department is currently investigating complaints regarding the customer. These alleged accusations regard sexually harassing text messages about breast milk, and pictures of genitalia. Other allegations are a compilation of neurosis, drama, and psychotic tendencies. It has been discovered that this customer is unable to pursue “normal” friendships because she could possibly be a sociopath who impales seemingly innocent people with her disregard for human compassion. If you are a normally happy person please take preventative measures. It is a possibility that she will intrude on your life and cause you to suffer daily turmoil when you are simply trying to be a friend. Proceed with extreme caution, and remember that restraining orders are available through the department. This customer may seem harmless, but in reality they are only attempting to grasp at the inner soul in order to tear it into shreds. This customer is believed dangerous, and manipulative. For any further information please call 1-800-jilt-is-fuckedup. Thank you for your co-operation.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 17:27:35 GMT

Valentines Day

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 17:10:01 GMT

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY :)

Big kisses and smoochies and all that good stuff.

(what kind of retarded shit is singles awareness day anyway? some crap made up by someone who can't get a date because they are ugly as hell...? (yes, I have read up on it retards) get over it people. Be happy because it's valentines day and share the love with friends. Just because you don't have a valentine doesn't mean you have to be so pitiful that you celebrate a holiday that doesn't exist.. *end rant*)

I love these things... (For the snoop concert see article below)

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 19:24:58 GMT

Your LJ Strip Club by ScreamingDolai
username
The type of joint you run
Your club is called	The Kit-Clap Club
Sleazy manager	ajizzle
Scary bouncer	andyxxx
Most frequent customer	birostick
Highest paid stripper	spud
Can do really acrobatic pole tricks	kittengrin
Just doing this to pay for med school	ross_winn
Had to get "enhancements" to make more money	lillvixen

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Smoke Weed... Get Drunk... and Fuck...

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 19:03:05 GMT

(Article on the Snoop Dogg concert – and I know you ALL want to know about the Snoop concert ;)

Smoke Weed… Get Drunk… and Fuck?

Apparently this was the special song snoop wrote just for us ;)

It came about ¼ of the way through the concert after Snoop smoked a fat blunt on stage. Yes, a fat blunt. In fact, he smoked three.

There was so much weed in the air before the concert even started that there was no way you couldn’t get high. Aside from the fact someone right next to you might give you a blunt the contact high was more than enough.

Which helped… because we waited a month and ½ for the concert to start.

Actually it wasn’t that long, but it took way way longer than it should have (the weed probably didn’t help – that whole time moving slow issue.) The blunts were a nice addition for keeping the natives at bay – people were starting to think snoop was going to ditch us. We only paid $10 after all.

We watched the opening act – wow, was that shit. I think the shitty rapper’s name was “Slim Thug.” OK First of all, come up with a better name you retard. You just named yourself after the white rapper, and then added THUG to it? That’s going to be the secret to your failure. Come up with a better name… Oh, and some talent, that might help also.

So they give us a shit opening act, and then they wait like an hour. Then the hip hop dancers came on. Surprisingly enough, they were actually pretty good. One of my closest friends came to the concert with me. She and I have been considering taking hip-hop dancing lessons – looks like we’re totally in, but I digress.

The dancers were pretty good, and a nice fake-out for the beginning of the show. I KNOW I’m not the only one who thought they were going to be the intro. Unfortunately, Snoop still hadn’t gotten his shit together. I don’t know who she was, but I hope she was hot.

Once again, the thing with the time makes this more complicated, but I think it was about 10:30 when Snoop finally appeared. After that our faith was restored, and I don’t think we’ve ever seen anything like that in our lives. I speak for the collective here, because I know it’s the general consensus – I asked ;)

Snoop saunters on stage wearing old school gangster clothes. I know a few of us were hoping for his pimp coat, but when I saw him I was happy. It’s nice to see that Snoop hasn’t forgotten his roots. It happens so often now, and it’s tiring. With red 213 shirt and baggy pants Snoop proceeded to blow our minds.

He’s really real people. None of it is fabricated. He’s everything he is on television and more. He’s Snoop Dogg. One of the fore fathers of gangsta rap music. One of the three who made it all happen for us. Even though they came first we all know that Wu-Tang didn’t do what Snoop, Dre, and 2Pac did. Rap was good before that, but the death row trio made rap something that everyone listened to. Rap entered the music world with a bang, and everyone had a copy of the Chronic. After the Chronic came Doggy Style and Me against the World. Gangsta rap was its own entity, and I saw one of its Godfather’s.

Of course, the song I went to hear was Murder Was the Case. I’d been sending Snoop psychic messages for a month and ½, and he delivered. Murder was the Case was the first song Snoop blessed us with, and Snoop and I will be down forever. I might even start BUYING his records ;)

Snoop has a wonderful way of involving the audience in a concert. We all waved our hands in the air and jumped while we listened to Snoop deliver Murder was the Case. I rapped along with Snoop. My life was forever changed.

“Do you guys want to hear some mother-fuckin classic Snoop Dogg?”

“Hell yeah…” we answered.

We started to move through the entourage…

One of the best performances (and trust me ALL of the songs were torn up) was Pump Pump. You haven’t heard that Pumping sound until you’ve heard a group of rappers on stage making it. So forceful, and so powerful. Snoop jumped his skinny ass all over the stage, and we all understood what we were there for. The proof is there people, Snoop really is Snoop, and that’s all I can say about that.

“I smell some good weed out there, and ya’ll ain’t gonna hook me up? You ain’t gonna take care of me?”

I have no idea why it took about 5 minutes to take care of Snoop but, after a random chap stick fling, the blunts flooded the stage.

“You all heard I quit smoking weed right? Ah well, fuckit…”

*Snoop lights the blunt, and takes a couple of huge puffs*

scavenger smoker ;)

And breaks into Lodi Dodi…

Now, Lodi Dodi is my best friend’s Snoop song. I tried to call her four times but the damn phone was busy. I did, however, try to take her there. That should account for something.

Snoop tore the shit outta Lodi Dodi, and every other song after that.

He told us he was going to poor out a drink of his favorite drink for us. Gives us some Gin and Juice, and then GIVES us some Gin and Juice.

He pulled off Gin and Juice wonderfully, and now that he’s clearly a little fucked up (it was at least his second blunt by this time) he really pulls out the Snoop. Then we all get so involved in the concert that we might as well have been on stage. The location is very small, and Eckerd kids should be glad of this. Even though we were all cramped in that small space it added so much “personal time” to it. We were IN the concert, and not AT the concert.

Not in this order, but as it was one of my classic favorites, I definitely need to put a word in about 2 Of Americaz Most Wanted. After murder was the case I said that I’d like to hear 2 of Americaz Most wanted, and Snoop came through again and “took us there.” This worked for me.

This song was on one of 2Pac’s CDs All eyes on me, (CD1) but you can pick it up on the 2CD set 2Pac’s greatest hits. Pretty good compilcation, but you do miss some of his quality NEW music – yes, 2Pac is still producing records now that he is dead. Get over it people. It’s happening somehow, and it’s nice to remain blissfully ignorant isn’t it? Stop trying to decide if he’s dead or not – that could be a whole ‘nother article.

I digressed again, I know, it’s a bad habit…

Americaz Most Wanted… “Ain’t nothin but a gangta party…” Is pretty much all I can say about that. This almost bought tears to my eyes. I was on my way out when my friend told me not to cry. I pulled myself together, but it was some emotional shit for the fans of the original death row. Snoop rapped his parts, and then let 2Pac rap his over the loud speaker. This almost bought tears to my eyes. At the end he had us hold up our had, and make a two, while yelling "2Pac."

“2Pac we miss you, 2Pac we love you, RIP 2Pac."

That was almost too much, but I handled it. 2Pac will never die, and Snoop knew it was right to pay respects to him.

The concert continued…

Snoop gave us some of his new, and FINALLY (after a creative slump) top notch hits.

Beautiful, which came to us a few years ago.

A nice song for the ladies, and then there was a conversation between Snoop and the audience that no one needs to know ;) (You should have gone – I wasn’t going to give you EVERYTHING.)

And, a couple of songs from his new CD.

The last one being the end to every decent party, “Drop it like its Hot.”

“Drop it like its Hot…”

Great song, you might even dance on a table as a result…

We dropped it like it was Hot after Snoop told us that the sound man was trying to cut him off earlier. Apparently we were to kick the soundman’s ass if he turned Snoop off. We all would have obliged – shit we wanted to hear Snoop, and if Snoop wanted to rap to us then we were gonna let him do it. Snoop smoked another blunt, and gave us Drop it like its Hot.

I was silent, and when the concert ended I got on the bus in shock. It felt like a dream and I, for once, was unable to say anything. LeeLee… Silent?

I said nothing about it the entire week. I gathered comments, and opinions, but I haven’t written about it. There wasn’t anything to say until I figured out that it really HAD happened, and that I HAD seen Snoop on stage.

I woke up the next morning, and it had started to hit me. It took a whole week, however, for me to give an account on it. I wanted to do it justice, and I wanted everyone to understand the magnitude of this thing.

Every different creed, race, and situation was there, and I think Snoop appreciated that.

He thanked us for behaving and mentioned the fact that there was no fighting, and no shooting, just people having a good time. He told us he IS coming back, and I believe him. It was a great concert, and we ALL enjoyed it.

We rode home on the bus quieter than we had on the way there. All feeling so much closer than we had before the show. WE had all experienced something together, a Snoop Dogg concert….

…Smoke weed, get drunk, and Fuck?

Maybe so…

now go out and buy some death row trio cd’s… …shit

(They need to make word so it recognizes words like nothin, and gangsta.)

I really should stop taking these stupid quizzes.. they never tell me anything new...

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 21:55:49 GMT

OMFG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?? I'M SO SHOCKED... blink

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 21:50:11 GMT

You scored as Ecstacy. Love, sex, parties, and DANCING! Just be wary of your mood coming down! www.dancesafe.org

</td>

Ecstacy

81%

None!

63%

Cocaine

63%

Mushrooms

63%

Inhalents

56%

Marijuana

44%

Alcohol

31%

What's your ideal drug?
created with QuizFarm.com

Not Fuck The Police Bullshit Anymore...

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 21:41:49 GMT

I guess it’s not such a small world after all.

I’m learning, at 26 years old, that I’m a little person in a vast universe.

My friend and I had a good time laughing and joking about this tonight (we even drew diagrams *laugh*)

Apparently, I have MY planet, and then there is the planet everyone else lives on. I visit everyone else on their planet, and then return back to mine (where it’s safe, comfortable, private, and complex.) I allow people to visit, and even move in every once in a while. On my world I don’t have to trust anyone, I don’t have to let other people love me, I can cast people off of it when they betray me, and I can exist on my world without having to leave it. Off of my planet things are uncertain, and I prefer to stay on my planet where everything makes sense, and I know what’s going to happen tomorrow.

Part of my major problem is that when I decide people can visit, or move onto my planet I have a habit of just breaking down all of the walls. Once you are here, then you are here, so either leave now, or chill on the beach and take it all in. It takes time to let people onto my planet, and before I do so I’m a very closed off person. The me that visits other planets is not the same as the me that resides on my own. Both are lovable, and both are fun, but the one that visits other planets doesn’t have issues. On my planet I’m allowed to have issues, and I’m allowed to be more than the "ideal person." I can be me because it’s my planet and I feel safe there. When I actually let people come to my planet I have reached a point where I am ready to let them BE in my world. I naturally assume that everyone on my planet wants as much of me as the next. Usually it is a very sudden process. I tend to let people in all the way, or not at all.

I have always assumed that it was the same for everyone – but recently I gave someone a house on my planet, and while I have pulled all of my walls down suddenly. They haven’t sold their house on their original planet, and are very slowly moving in.

People usually get to my planet and open up to me as much as I do them. This person is taking it slowly, this isn’t a bad thing, it’s just different. You see, the difference is, it takes a while for me to decide someone can hang out on my planet, but when I do that’s what I’ve decided – all the way or no way. This is one of the first times when someone has taken their time to move in. I am not offended, but have a very hard time getting my head around it… You’re on my planet, either move your shit in or sell your house… I know… I know… horrible way to put it. I’m just trying to explain the situation.

Of course, because of the difference in pace I became scared. I guess that I am afraid that if they start to move in, but take it slowly, then they can leave at any point. Vacating their house, and taking my furniture with them. They are only half here, and this scares the crap out of me. I have major trust issues, and I don’t want to feel like they are still deciding where they want to live. Either you do, or you don’t. *SIGH* Yes, I know, totally pig headed – but I’m not used to being in situations where people are more cautious about things than I.

Ultimately we got in an argument. I got scared, and started to shut down. I have a hard time understanding that anyone can be on a different level of friends with me than I them. They are on my planet, so they should be on the same plane as I, shouldn’t they? Clearly not.

So I tried to give them an eviction notice with an ammendum saying that I might decide against it, and not kick them out depending on how I feel about it when I have thought it through.

Then everything fell apart.

…Let me back up.

One of my closest friends and I got in a fight a few months ago. I’m there shooting off my mouth, and they tell me that their grandfather died that night. That’s why they ditched me, which resulted in said fight. I felt very betrayed, and he lashed out at me. After the fact, he told me about his grandfather, and I didn’t know what to think. I wish he had told me at the time, but he didn’t know how, and as a result I had no idea what to do with myself. I withdrew from him. Then when things were sorted, and he had done some grieving, he came to me and talked to me about what had happened then apologized for snapping at me. Things are fine now, but it did take a while.

…Back to today.

So, I tried to put this new friend on hold for a minute. They lashed out at me just the same, and I was through with them. I made the eviction permanent, and when they asked me if the “mess had been concluded” I said, “Yes, it sounds like it is.”

At that point I was ready to throw in the towel, and throw them off of my planet completely with no option of moving in at all. .. Of course, life got in the way.

I found out, by accident, that in the middle of all this he lost a friend.

It was like a bad nightmare, and it was happening all over again.

I am a small person, in a very large universe, and I am finding out that I need to come to terms with it.

I am receiving a huge lesson in mortality, and I don’t know why. This frightens me…

Four or five years ago one of my friends died. I was single and living alone. I had just run from a very bad situation, and was trying to get away from someone who had treated me badly. This friend just happened to be my neighbor, and he watched out for me. He did this silently, but I know he did. He and I got in a fight, and it was so insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) that I can’t even remember what it was about.

I had been angry at him, and hadn’t talked to him for a while.

I then woke up one morning and his apartment was being emptied out. He had gotten in a car accident and didn’t make it through. He died, and I never had the chance to make peace with him… …I still haven’t had that chance.

I do understand that people die, but it was very heart breaking to know that he died without knowing how much I appreciated him.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t have much time left, and I’ve been feeling like I need to get all of my friends together, I’ve been feeling like I need to let them know how much I love them, and how much I appreciate them. It’s a new thing for me, because I’m not a very affectionate person. Things are changing, however, and I realize that life is short.

Unfortunately, it took the same thing to happen two times for me to humble myself to the situation. People die on my planet also, and when I let them reside there I put walls up around them so they, too, are protected. I’m very loyal and very honorable to my friends. When someone actually becomes my friend then I protect them, and I am there for them regardless of what time, or what situation. I will drop everything for a friend, and never run out of heart. On my planet people don’t create a whole in my wall to walk through; they go through the back door. Then they, too, are engulfed by this wall.

Death, however, is one of the only things that can penetrate this wall. I can’t protect anyone from death and its effects.

I don’t want another friend to die on me without me being at peace with them…

I don’t know how to gauge a situation like this the next time. Do I walk around with the knowledge that anyone can die at a moments notice, and I not argue with anyone at all? Or do I play my hand hoping that I’ll win the jackpot, and will come out on top?

How do I gauge things so that my planet doesn’t go into shock when mortality gets in the way? How do I prevent this from happening again, and how do I change things so that it doesn’t crush me when it does?

I have no idea.

I’ve tried to make peace with my friend now, and I hope that everything will work itself out. I know that if it does I need to learn to understand that some people need to keep a foot on both planets. Perhaps the only way I’m going to get to know someone is to let the real me visit their planet, and wait for them to want to visit mine. I’m learning some complicated lessons, but I at least I’m finally learning. If I have a planet, then there are other people out there with planets also. Mine isn’t the only other-world, if I have one then I need to understand that perhaps others do.

*SIGH*

I am able to humble myself, and am trying to look at this situation from a different perspective. There are a good many things I need to learn from this, and I'm still short a few of them I think.

I told my friend that he was going to help me get over some of my shit. He misunderstood and thought I meant that I was going to expect him to save me. As I told him, and as most of you know, I learned a time ago that the only person who can save me is me. I didn't, however, know HOW he was going to help me get over my shit. I just told him that it was going to be by him being him. I don't know if he got it, but I don't even think I could comprehend the magnitude of the situation.

My life is about to change, and I don't know how it will effect me. The walls around my comfort zone have been shattered, and I don't think I have the money to rebuild them. I, all of a sudden, need to start looking at things from a different perspective.

The older I get, the more I don't know...

When I was 16 I knew everything, and now that I'm 26 I'm learning that I know nothing...

I want everyone to know that I love all of them so much, and that life is clearly short.

Big hugs, and a million kisses.

“Blessed Be…”

The Queen of Swords

Wed, 26 Jan 2005 03:07:30 GMT

So this came into one of my friend's tarot spreads yesterday, and into mine tonight.

The Queen of Swords

The Queen of Swords indicates a woman who is blessed (or cursed) with sharp perception, and highly honed intuition. She is acutely analytical, with a razor-sharp ability to get to the heart of a situation, seeing exactly what is, rather than what others would wish her to see.

She is a private woman, unwilling to let people too close to her until she is satisfied she thoroughly understands their motivations. But once won as a friend, she is unfailingly loyal, honest and supportive.

She's usually very intelligent, with a dry sense of humour. Her penetrating insight will often reveal aspects of themselves to others that they had previously been unable to grasp - thus she is a capable therapist, teacher or leader.

The woman represented by this card will be experienced in the flow of life, understanding a great deal about both the great triumphs, and the deepest failings of the race. Her clarity and measured expression will be of great value at times of confusion and sadness.

Queen Of Swords

Physically usually (though not always) tall and/or slender woman. Quite often has dark hair. Refined appearance and conservative in dress most of the time. Gracious manner. She prefers sophisticated clothing.

Personality is cautious and clever. She is often aloof and distant. She keeps her distance and puts up barriers around herself. She displays an air of unemotional responses. She may appear hard, selfish and self-controlled. Beneath her facade she hides much previous emotional pain and/or hardship. She has learnt how to survive. She is a woman alone. She is either a widow, divorced, a spinster or without a loving partner. She may have spent a long time on her own and keeps up her defences and her sword drawn to protect her at all times. She has a fondness for red roses.

She looks good in black clothing. She likes to wear expensive or perhaps antique and conservative jewellery most of the time, though sometimes she wears some bold jewels. She knows she would or could be seduced if she lets her guard down. She can seem to be unforgiving in some circumstances, but this is her self-defence mechanism being activated to avoid feeling pain and disturbing emotional reactions. She cries in her sleep, and little elsewhere.

She feels more in control if she can avoid having too deep feelings for anyone, lest they puncture her heart and give her reason to despair. She can become big hearted if in the right company and circumstances and when she feels safe and secure. There is hope for her and she is wise enough to know it. She is symbolic of the rose, seductive and potentially dangerous, capable of cutting the skin and making it bleed, yet the soft velvety petals can blossom into the most beautiful arrangement and captivate your heart. She is wistful and reflective, serious yet sensuous, yet always alert. She is capable of being the Goddess or the crucifier.

Occupations suited to her would be the head of a company or large organisation. Also she would make a great surgeon, doctor, police officer, dentist or anything that involves the use of sharp items or weapons. She would make a good soldier, warrior, fighter or leader of a revolution. She knows only one truth, her own.

Her future lies in learning to trust others again. She has been severely betrayed in the past by women and men alike. She may need to take a leaf out of the book of the Queen of Cups, who is more giving, loving and affectionate. She could have a love relationship but only if total trust exists. There is no room for dishonesty or lies. If she is betrayed, she severs her relationships completely and irrevocably and never goes back. Friends are cast off and not seen again should they make the mistake to betray or abuse her. Her goodwill only stretches so far and behind that she may lose some of her sense of compassion, knowing that others should learn to be more self-reliant, like herself. She may go to the extreme of cutting off her husband's head, should he betray or deceive her.

Querent's card. If this is you, then you may be being called to meet the challenge of your strengths and you will meet this head on regardless of whether this produces success or failure. Even in failure, you will learn where you went wrong and this is the ultimate lesson.

If you are not the querent and this card appears, I suggest that you make an ally of this woman, because she can be a powerful opponent if you should cross her. She is loyal and steadfast to those she gets close to, just don't mess with her, because you will wish you hadn't.

Wow.. yeah.. I'm totally Sexy...

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 17:02:24 GMT

Kip Dynamite
(Please rate my quiz)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 06:05:21 GMT

(Intro) - Leave Me Alone - CruxShadows

Newscaster Voice:
"What They're Thinking is totally irrelivant to a normal person's thoughts"
"It's what's known as the gothic movement - Violent and Black"
"Black relates to the dark side.. so gothics usually dress in all black... They, a lot of times, put white makeup on their face to appear dead..."
"A growing and demented public trend in suburban america.."
"In the gothic movement they have what's called the blood sports...Where they're involved in self mutilation in some cases.. a lot of young.. female's particularly... slice themselves with razorblades.. and don't ask me to explain that.. because i can't... i mean... i know that they're mixed up kids..."
"For the last several years Steve Richard (?) a denver police department gang member... has been trying to spread the word about this so called 'gothic movement' which has helped fuel a new kind of teenage gang.. white suburban gang.. built around a fasination with the grotesque. and with death..."
"The members of the so called trench coat mafia.. for whom the black coats are what colors are to the bloods and the crips of the big city.."

*SCREAMS*

...I don't think I need to comment - it says it all...

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 15:40:26 GMT

Cruxshadows give me the fucking goose bumps...

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 12:17:29 GMT

winn2r: I think you just like pale scrawny guys...

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 22:25:20 GMT

Yeah Yeah Yeah.. I know I do this a lot.. but my life revolves around music.. and sometimes it's the best way to express how i'm feeling at any given time... (the effect is that you READ the lyrics and understand what's going on in my head... even though i know most of you aren't even reading this ... are you?) (unless you're already hanging out IN my head... in which case make sure you're invited... )

Limp Bizkit - Re-Arranged

Lately I've been skeptical
Silent when I would used to speak
Distant from all around me
Who witness me fail and become weak
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down

But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged

It seems that you're not satisfied
There's too much on your mind
So you leave and I can't believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down

But you don't understand when I'm attempting to explain
Because you know it all and I guess things will never change
But you might need my hand when falling in your hole
Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go of
You and me we're through
And rearranged

You're no good
For me
Thank God its over

You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
You make believe
That nothing is wrong until you're cryin'
Cryin' on me
You make believe
That life is so long until you're dyin'
Dyin' on me!

You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
(You ruin everything and you kept fuckin' with me until its over and I won't be
the same)
You think that everybody's the same
I don't think that anybody's like you
Be the same

Just think about it
You'll get it

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 16:00:15 GMT

don't you hate it when you're drunk or stoned (or both) and you start talking to people you have absolutely no intention of having contact with at the current time....? grrr...

....I think I just made an anti-drug commercial... *laugh*

Who is your LJ soulmate?
LJ Username
Your soulmate :	mzpistol

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